Oh no – it looks like we will not see the sea :( !

Me and another person have had plans to go on the sea side of our country for three days. I was looking forward to it as I really like hanging in the sea, smelling pines, enjoying hotter temperatures in nice shadow…  + it was ‘a reward’ after finishing days long obligation.

Before we started our trip, we have checked the motor oil and we saw that it needs to be added. We both have done that many times before; this time I have left in the middle of pouring to do something else.
And then – suurpriiiiiiseeeee – and it wasn’t nice – person has pour too much oil in the car… I’ve asked person if they know how to solve the problem and they said – not yet. My happy mood shut down and I’ve replaced it with some kind of zombie mood. I wanted to be sad, disappointed, angry on the person, judging them as careless… thinking ‘will we see the sea at all?!’… yet something didn’t felt right. As we both are walking (Desteni I) process of removing unpractical thinking + emotional patterns, I knew that I would not be taken serious by the person if I would react. We both knew very well, that (my) reactions of sadness, disappointment, anger, judgment would not help to solve the problem – therefore they didn’t have a place in the situation. If I would have played them through, I would have to put a lot effort in that and most probably I would make a fool of myself. Still it was weird experience as I knew that if there would be somebody else in that’s person place, I would very likely start a reaction drama in the name of long lived and generally accepted habit and thus help to worsen the situation.    

But because of that experience I see, that I simply don’t have to make the drama in similar situation with any other person. No matter how many times I have reacted in this way in my past, I now self-honestly and PRACTICALLY see that it was unnecessary, selfish and it has deepened the problem. I don’t want to play such games anymore – even if others are all in for the reactions game. It’s easier to say than to do… but that was not the first situation where I quite clearly felt that reacting is nonsense… Not so long ago there was situation with my aunt, where I have reacted and she has taken me serious, but I myself saw ‘the fakeness’ / nonsense of my reactive expression.
I guess this is the consequence of walking the process for 6 years -- to finally see nonsense of reacting (which would mean prolonging the problem) sooner and to start moving as the solution sooner.

To continue with the main story:
So the person has said that they don’t know how to solve the problem (too much oil in the engine) YET. Thus we started to Googling and saw that we can have some pretty shity problems if we don’t take situation serious.
Person found ‘how to do’ videos and they stated their ‘famous’ - Is simple! -. Here I was reacting in sarcasm ‘It was simple to pour the oil, yet you couldn’t handle it…’. Not sure, if I have stated that out loud, however I decided to perceive troubleshooting as possibly doable in reasonable time and in the same time as possibly undoable on time. The storm has prevented us to take the immediate action, thus we went to sleep.     

In the morning we woke up sooner than usually and we couldn’t sleep anymore as we have had ‘work to do’…  Person was explaining the process of probable solution and I was providing tools and materials needed for the act. Person was doing the dirty & hard work and I was cheerleading. It wasn’t so simple after all and it has taken some time…. yet it has worked! We went on the trip almost at planed time.

Person was happy, because they learned something new and practically usable and because they have solved the problem they have caused, although the solution seemed quite abstract at first.
I was proud of myself, because I haven’t throw unnecessary drama and I have mead peace within myself with undesired outcome as well as forgive the person for the mistake.

Thus I’m sharing this story as a reminder for myself and for you, that is actually not necessary to react on unpleasant situation, although we have practiced that years long.
Self-reprogramming is possible, supportive and needed if we want to live in better, more relaxed and pleasant world. It takes time, but is the best way to use our time anyways.

My behavior in that situation was based on many previous experiences which I have walked with (more or less) awareness – not just automatically. Thus I gave myself opportunity to ‘clearly’ and multiple times see with my own eyes that expectations & excitement turns into disappointment and sadness when not meet. Consequently, I have lower them / let them go / forgive them most of the time I saw one is rising in me.  
My behavior in that situation was also the result of many years of partly aware experiences / not automated acknowledge that negative emotions do not solve problems (in effective & long-term way). I know that to most of us is that totally clear – in theory. Yet we still do it because we adopted it as overtaken habit and it fells homelike & fake-comfortable. Still those self-limitations / programs are neither practical neither best for all. Thus we can create new practical, life-bettering habits just in the way we did previous – with a lot of repeating (and within that failing), but this time not through automatic overtaking, but with awareness of what we want to create.   

Selfish happiness in relation to caretake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy, because I don’t have to take care of mine demented and physically weak grandmother anymore – as I see that that is just polarity from times when I was responsible for her to a great extent and I felt unhappy.

When and as I see myself existing in selfish happiness as feeling of being free of responsibilities regarding care-taking for demented and physically weak grandmother, I stop and breathe.

I realize that taking care for such a person is already hard enough without reactions like unhappiness. I see that it is possible, that I will have to take care for another demented+ person in my life and in that case it would be much easier for me if I would accept that job and leave unhappiness behind.

I commit myself to stop pumping that happy feeling when it arises within me, as I know that unhappiness in case of repeated experience of taking care for demented one would be proportionally at least as big as it was happiness I had built before...

Hmmm… which word could I live instead – any suggestions?

Fear of skilled speaker(s)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of person’s skills in relation to manipulation of words and intonation and within this feel inferior to her.

When and as I see myself existing as fear of her skills in relation to manipulation of words and intonation and within this feel inferior to her -- I stop and breathe.

I realize that felt like this in my childhood towards my parents and is was really uncomfortable and powerless experience - it felt so unfair, because they had their tools - words and I didn't have such a strong vocabulary, thus I wasn't equal in negotiations with them. But after some years situation has turned - I started to use a humor to 'disarm' them. But in both cases there was an Ego win.

I commit myself to, when I get in conflict with skilled speaker, re-focus my attention from fearing them into learning from them. Then I us that practical skill with starting point of support and I don't allow myself to use it for spitefulness; no matter if other speaker does.

Encouragement instead of mocking

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to mocking my partner when he decided to wash our dishes through words 'is everything ok, honey' & 'you must be really over-bored if you decided to do the dishes'.

When and as I see myself that I'm going into mocking -- I stop and I breathe.

I see how unpleasant it was for me, when I have finally gathered the will and I have done what could/should be done along time ago, but mother started mocking me -- my will went right down again... I realise that is really time to start experimenting with effect of encouraging others instead of being angry and judgemental towards them and consequently reacting towards them in the way that helps them to stay in their old unsupportive patterns...

I commit myself to rewrite mocking (irony) program with encouragement, because I need to see the difference.

Encouragement instead of anger and judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at women and for judging her as lazy, weak and exploiting, because she was afraid and/or nervous and she didn’t want to / she couldn’t calm herself.

When and as I see myself getting angry at others and judging them as lazy, weak and exploited, because they are afraid and/or nervous and they don’t want to / they can't calm them-self -- I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can relocate my energy from anger and judgement to encouraging them to do things without me / on their own. If they are still not willing to give up their victim character, I leave it to them and I'm not accepting it within myself in form of anger with justification 'I'm not able to show them how they are limiting themselves'.

I commit myself to start experimenting with effect of encouraging others instead of being angry and judgemental towards them.

Excitement and expectation around making a new dish (cake)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create excitement and expectation around the cake I was planning to make, wanting it as fast as possible, wanting to taste that combination ‘before is even finished’.

When and as I see myself creating excitement and expectation around a new dish that I'm planning to make + wanting that dish to be finished and ready to taste before I even started it -- I stop and breathe.

I realize that feelings are only taking away some of my attention, which would be much better invested if it would be all put into making a new dish.

I see that when expectations are not meet, follows the disappointment, which is really not pleasant state to be in.   

I realize that only in mind I can reach things right away, but they aren't tangible...

I see, that I have a lot work / writings to do regarding the taste component.

I commit myself to ground myself before making a new 'promising' dish. I will give myself the time that is needed to do it, the permission for making mistakes, and I will eat something smaller before, to prevent nervous hurrying.

Irritation and overwhelmness : enthusiastic and confused speaker

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed and irritated whenever someone is speaking in that enthusiastic yet confused way.

When and as I see myself getting / feeling overwhelmed and irritated whenever someone is speaking in that enthusiastic yet confused way -- I stop and breathe.

I realise that I feel overwhelmed and irritated because I don't understand the massage, but I feel like I should, like it is important because it's said in that enthusiastic tone.

I see, that underneath of that is laying fear of not having any control, not having a chance to simultaneously calculate how to respond in a cool way. Lol...

I commit myself to let partner / other to first give that enthusiasm out of them self's - not forcing myself to understand their words in the first try. If I don't understand their point at the and of their speech, I ask them to shortly repeat their points.

I give partner / other space to shape their expression in my presence - because sometimes I would also like them to listen 'that important' discovery of mine which I can't yet explain clear in given moment, but 'I have to' share it with someone.

Procrastination of responsibility that should be prioritized

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate with self-support for UP via writing out and expend points that were mentioned in the private interview.

When and as I see myself procrastinating with writing out about UP on bases of the private interview -- I stop and breathe.

I realize that I'm existing as justification, that I already have enough other responsibilities like DIP lite & DIP pro + making list of words for Flasher project. But I see, that I have enough time for all of that, if I just redistribute some time from 'empty' hanging on the internet / FB to self-research...

I commit myself to put UP writings on my schedule 1 time per week for now and when I finish DIP lite, I will increase those writings.

Taste based consumption : commonsense food consumption

When and as I see myself leaving direction to the taste instead of commonsense food consumption -- I stop and I take few breaths.

I realize that the sheet in witch I'm taking notes of intakes & outgives + the effects and consequences is my main direction regarding the food I should necessarily avoid and the food that is supporting me the most / which intake I should increase. 
I see that it would be easier for me if I would have already prepared heartier, but still yummy alternatives of the foods that I should necessarily avoid.
I understated that most of nutrition have some kind of unhealthy feature and when I focus on those, I fall in the trap of defeat and I have excuse for not changing anything...

I commit myself to limit alcohol consumption to 2 times per month. 
I commit myself to replace commercial sweets with pre-prepared homemade healthier alternatives. Let's give myself 2 times per month exception for now -- to stay real...
+ On the visits max 5 pieces of pastry (+I take a look back for consequences of pastry consumption).
I commit myself to put probiotic yogurt on the schedule at least 3 times per week.
I commit myself to stop falling into defeat - focusing on unhealthy futures of the nutrition - I will rather exclude the most obvious ones and keep on using the alternatives while learning how to prepare those effectively.

Reacting with expectation & anger to new devices

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anger, because (lady-comp / pearly) device did not show me what I wanted and expected to see and what device was predicting.

When and as I see myself going into anger, because the/a device doesn't show me what I want and expect to see and what device was predicting -- I stop and breathe.

I realize that I was in reaction relating new things / devices so many time before, but when I got use to them, all that reacting turned out so unnecessary and over-dramatic. I see that this time I was even more in reaction, because it was directly related to sex, to which I give a great value.

I commit myself to be more flexible - taking device's predictions for what they are - one of possibilities. After all the device is still learning and I can't expect that my menstrual cycle will be as constant as it was on contraception's pills.
+ I commit myself to working through expectations before they build up in that heavy mass with which I then pull myself down when the expectations are not meet.

Assumption : desire for attention from males

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as anxiety when I should call a guy, because I have allowed my imagination to go wild; assuming that he is single again and he may try something.

When and as I see myself falling into assumption that some guy will try to seduce me, I stop and breathe.

I realise that beneath assumptions exist desire for being seen as attractive / interesting / desirable from males side.

I commit myself to gradually stop searching for attention from males; when I will catch myself in act, I will rather give some attention to myself - I will hug / caressing / massage myself / take few breaths to release that desire that comes hand in hand with disappointment and self-doubt, when desire is not meet – which is most of the time.

Awkwardness : desire for control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate with contacting my supplier as I feel a bit awkward regarding the way I should approach him; I don’t want to waste his time and at the same time I want to give him enough attention.

When and as I see myself procrastinating with contacting others as I feel a bit awkward regarding the way I should approach them, I stop and breathe.

I realize that in upper case awkwardness was just a cover for desire for control; I wanted to handle situation in the way that there would be no conflict, that supplier would see me as cool-one and he would keep on supplying me with not-easy-to-get material.

I commit myself to research awkwardness when it arises within me - to see what is behind the scene. With upper case I didn't do that before the action; I just took action alone as a correction.
The result was materialized awkward moment at the end of the meeting, when I thought that the guy will give me hand again and I offered mine, but he was just in turning-around-move before he has left. I was trying to much, lol.
I also see that there is interview about awkwardness in Eqafe - I'm going to listen to it in a few minutes :)

Exercising

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone exercising 3x/week - as I have promised to myself.

When and as I see myself postponing exercising -- I stop and breathe.

I realize that my participation in postponement regarding exercising leads to bigger un-satisfaction with(in) myself; as I'm gaining more and more weight, I'm lacking good physical condition, I can't move myself as effective as I could, my breath is short by smallest effort, my body is not getting enough oxygen which leads to bad moods and many other unnecessary consequences...   

I commit myself to put exercising in my planer - not like optional activity anytime in a day as I did before, but as 'must done' activity that has to be done at certain hour. This week I’ll be testing hours before 3 PM (before my partner comes from work). And I'm going to put it in planer right now.