Behaviour pattern of rebellious judge mutated to grumpy one without better propositions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as disappointment in relation to my mother with the excuse that she has pretend to be all-knowing, supporting, loving person when I was a kid and through my teenage years she has turned into the oppressor.

There is some true in those words, but simultaneously I have turned from decent, obedient mother-adoring child to rebellious teenager, which was all about dreaming, having fun and pushing all responsibilities away. 

I see, that my perception of mother was far from clear; she wasn’t and will never be all-knowing, she was/is just convincing in her expression and therefore I allowed myself to see her as all-knowing, true-taking, trust-worthy person. And yes, she is true-taking & trust-worthy sometimes, but she is lacking self-honesty often and she quite emotional to.
I understand that she was supporting and loving person also through my teenage years, but I have just not allowed myself to see her as such, because I was rather existed as dreamer/laziness and simply tag her as oppressor / ‘the guilty one’ with hidden attempt to redirect my attention from myself.

Thus I was the one who has created me as disappointment in relation to my mother, because I was creating my wanted version of her in my head instead of accepting her for who she was. Later when I felt disappointed with myself, I was projecting that disappointment on her and trying to fix her quite often.
I see that solution here is to see her for what she really is. That is a lot easier since I have moved away from her (house). Emotional tension that was present between us almost all the time is a lot lower. (Also she can see me with fresh eyes; she seems to be surprised with ‘how much’ I am willing to help her with work when I come on visit, when for me is self-evident, that I will help for a while.)
When I see (m)other for what they really are and not what I want them to be, I cannot accumulate wishes, expectations, happiness points that would mutated to disappointment within me. And I will use that knowing in my agreement with my intimate partner. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my mother in sense that she was the provider and If I haven’t pleased her, she didn’t allow me to fulfil my desires. I see, that I haven’t had clear definition of actual needs and desires as a child, that all my basic needs were covered and that less desire I would had, less fear would I experienced. I also see, that I was becoming & later being addicted to that fear and anxiety and thus I didn’t allow myself to become my own provider and to clear my desires. ‘I’ enjoyed that ‘fake worrying : offended’ dynamic game which I have played with mother. And because I don’t want it to spread in my others relationships, I have to permanently become my own provider and I have to self-honestly check my desires and correct / remove them regularly.     

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become selfish rebellious teenager, who didn’t care about anything but themselves and to allow that behaviour to mutate into grumpy personality.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my constant backchats in which I have constantly judge (m)other as unsuitable / disappointing / boring, but rarely speak out about what disturbs me by others in their faces -- because I have known deep inside me that I’m not being fair to them, neither to myself. Within that I forgive myself that I have hurt myself with anxiety and spitefulness…
I see, that I’m projecting my own dissatisfaction onto others – because it’s easier than facing lacks within myself and correcting them.
Today was one of those cases – where group of a 6 was gathered to debate about how are things in relation to Universal Basic Income in our country and what are the plans… And I saw myself judging all in a row ‘lol’; V.K. for not acting sooner and thus loosing good opportunity, V. for taking talk away from the main topic and taking a time to present an overwhelming amount of infos which he founds important, myself and B. for not stopping him, M. and V.K. for listening… But I was actually dissatisfied with myself –- I didn’t have enough info to ask V.K. relevant questions, I didn’t have enough guts to stop V. or to ask him how is his talking in relation to our meeting or to tell him that he is talking to much / taking too much time for himself (while it was lasting) in stability and so on. However, judging others or myself is not in any help what so ever. Finding solutions in the given moments and realizing them is. Directing self and kindly/stable direct others is. And that is what I will choose instead of judgment, grumpiness, projections, disappointment, dissatisfaction. I need to upgrade my self-trust and there is no other way then trough the stable actions in the given moments.      

Big negative : small positive 1

In last weeks me & my boyfriend are quite often playing the table game which is new for me and I’m still learning how to manage/coordinate all possibilities that the game is offering. It’s quite complex game and man needs to be focused and flexible & without experience one is losing a lot of games before first win.

When I have finally reached my firs win (while playing without help of my partner), I have noticed strange pattern. While I was losing in all previous cases, I got in reactions many times and they were often quite strong. It was not helpful to consciously know that they are not supportive/acceptable, not either that ‘it’s just a game’ and that I don’t need to take it personally. Anger, powerlessness, blaming my partner and/or universe for ‘unfavorable’ micro-situations in which I had found myself were my choices of reactions. But then when I have finally won, I was in that yaaay good vibe for a moment, its intensity was much lasser then when I have lost and it was ‘no big deal’.

Soon after that I was like ‘wait a minute – why is this so’??

I saw that this flow it’s not just game related, but is my usual chain-reaction in life. The same was when I wrote the diploma. I took most rejections and critics as really big deal, but when I have finished my diploma it was just ‘it’s finally done’ with a bit of joy and relief and good feelings were gone just like that…

Now I’m aware that reacting is not supportive – neither when is negative, nor when is positive, but that ratio is interesting anyway.

Also because I see parallels with my problem : solution orientation ratio & with my grumpy character within it.
But let’s put this on a side for a while and let’s see what have opened up when talking about it with my DIP buddy [B].

B: do you see any memories that stand out in relation to losing or making mistakes?
M: nothing specific

maybe it's just a dynamic in my primary family

B: winning/losing patterns are usually ingrained at home, yes, with games - and making mistakes or not both at home and in school

M: where my father has always pointed out mistakes, rarely achievements of me & mother - as they were self-evident

B: ah - there you go

would be good to just write or speak some SF statements in relation to such memories, to diffuse your definition based on the past as well - to then redefine who you are/want to be when making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy fathers propensity to make a big deal out of mistakes and errors within me, my mother and others and to neglect achievements & effective ways lived by myself & people in my environment. I realize that this approach is contributing a lot to me being unmotivated & felling devaluated in sense ‘is there anything really worthy to fight/live for??’.

My mother on the other side, has used both - criticism and commendation evenly- in large amounts; but commendations that she would give me were rarely repeated from others and thus I start to see them as more or less empty, as praising with intent to be praised back. And thus again – the mistakes through criticism were more relevant…

Now here I am – seeing that I need to preprogram myself in that context if I don’t want to ‘mistaken myself down to dead’.

Therefore, I commit myself to observe myself in relation to making mistakes, to re-define the word mistake, to stop taking mistakes as something finalized, unchangeable and to see them more as the steps along the way of learning and gaining skills.

Also I commit myself to more often and for longer embrace my achievements and moments in which I have shown effectiveness + to re-define the word effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to making big deal out of mistakes and errors and to neglect achievements & effective ways lived by myself, my mother & people in my environment. I see, that blaming my parents for exposing me to unpractical patterns that they did in that context is only disturbance on my way and it’s better for all of us if I rather put all of my focus on creating a stimulating, encouraging environment for myself as myself - as I always wanted to have / in which I wanted to be. That means, that I will have to catch myself when going in dramatizing in relation to mistake – as soon as possible and not allow myself to get possessed by that habit again… I will have to stop it, breathe through tendency to fall into it / to entertain it aaaaaand repeat it many times. Also I will have to re-learn how to self-honestly celebrate achievements; first step would will be to give/gift myself more time to look at them.